trails of thought

The very small good even I have managed to do

My daughter says so many nice things to me lately.  I don’t understand why and why now, but there you have it.  And I fear she will not feel the same shortly; but whilst it’s out there I can’t not be happy.  She sent me this pic of a pic that makes me feel I was irremediably good at one thing in this life, and one thing only: my kids.  And whilst it’s so much to have done – she even said to me that 25 percent of her achievements are due to me (this is not true, but nice for me to hear all the same; in particular, as a man who believes in enabling and facilitating others, above all) – even so, the world does not value these kinds of things.  The world just values the mega-aggressiveness of the Trumps and CEOs and leaders various, full of themselves and their scheming, horrible ways.



And where I really failed was in showing that it was possible to climb corporate trees and hierarchies and maintain the enabling and facilitating grace of a good father or mother.  And so it’s true where you took me, the other day in Belfast: I am not of this world, and neither do I want it.  And the people I love only want me to get dirty; and the person I really love lives in that really dirty world.

And I realise, now, I would rather be a Batman of real solitude but absolute integrity than a Kardashian happy with the fruits of consumerist and material … well … I don’t think the word “labour” actually fits the bill.

And so your efforts to change me over the past year have monumentally failed.  And even my children will shortly hate me for what I have been.  And so even that bit of my life which I thought always right will become a black hole of terrible despair.

And the future will bring what the future will bring.  And I shall have to work out how to properly fight solitude on all fronts.

And in my darkest moments, I shall look at this photo and remember the very small good even I have managed to do.



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